Episode Forty: Grieving

Warning - some of the content of this post might be upsetting to some readers.

Our cat died. Our poor old, eighteen year old cat that was a big part of our family finally left us. We knew it was coming as she was very old and was starting to look a bit frail, however it was still a very sad shock for us all.

As parents, my wife and I knew that there was going to be some difficult discussions and questions coming about our cat Porridge's passing. When Porridge died we jumped headfirst into the honesty and tried not to hide anything about the experience from our children. This included letting them see her (although she was hit by a car there was no blood or visible trauma which was a blessing), letting them touch her and talking about the realities of death. We didn't tell them she'd gone to live on a farm or anything fanciful - just the truth.

We found a place to bury her behind the house and I started digging. The children were keen to be involved and asked for turns with the spade so I let them. I was glad they were asking to be involved in what was a pretty crummy situation.  

To see them comfort each other in their grief was both heartbreaking and heartwarming. Loss isn't easy and to see the children hugging each other and talking through their thoughts and feelings made me feel hopeful for any future times of grief they'll go through together.

I have to say that a lot of their tricky or left-of-centre questions were helpfully answered by a book that we already had in the bookcase: 'I Miss You - A First Look At Death' by Pat Thomas (this can be purchased here). It's a great book that talks quite matter-of-factly about the nature of living things dying but also covers the emotions that go with grief quite tenderly.

I personally don't have a great amount of experience with the loss of loved ones so this whole experience was important to me to share with my children. I wanted them to know that feeling sad or asking crazy questions is perfectly normal and OK in our house. That if they wanted to poke and prod their cat's lifeless body that was fine. If they wanted to put flowers in the grave, that wasn't a problem. If they were worried about the soil being thrown on top of their cat's body, that wasn't a silly thing to think. It was also important for them to see their parents crying and feeling sad about saying goodbye to a family member they loved.

In the end, I was pretty thankful to that cat for all that it taught our children while it was alive and finally when she died.

Episode Thirty Eight: Teach Them A Chore

Hi again Team!

Wow, I've been meaning to do this idea for a long time now but have never got around to writing about it. I don't know if you're anything like me - but if you are, the images below make you feel a certain way. Like a father teaching his son to shave, something about letting your kid push the lawnmower around just pulls at the manly heart strings. Manly ones, of course. I'm not really that sort of guy but there's something about the noise, the petrol fumes and the danger that makes me love pushing the lawnmower around the yard. To share that with my middle boy is a dream come true.

First I should make two disclaimers: One) We borrowed this lawnmower and it was the quietest lawnmower I've ever heard, which is why neither of us are wearing hearing protection in these photos. Please use common sense when letting your children use machinery. Two) We had to borrow this lawnmower because we have people mow our lawns on a fortnightly basis for us. It was just that with the Christmas holidays they were on a break and our lawn needed doing.

I knew as soon as I ripped the cord on the mower that my son would come running out asking if he could have a go. He's only five but I thought with some supervision and instruction it would be no problem and I knew he would enjoy it so much. So away we went! I got him started on the grass strip down the centre of our driveway and then I turned the mower off. I talked him through all the parts of the mower and also lifted it up and showed him the blade and explained why he should never, ever put his hand in or under there. I then told him the story of the one-armed lawnmower repairman who lived in my town when I was growing up. True fact! 

From there we got the mower started and away he went. Sure, mowing the lawns isn't a chore we do ourselves but it is something that contributes to making our house look good and function well. There are so many things that we as caregivers do to keep the house running. There is something to be said about introducing these to your children. They don't have to take them on straight away, but an awareness of them is a healthy thing. I certainly don't want to raise children who think the toilet cleans itself or expects clean washing to just appear in their drawers.

It's really hard to know when you should get your children contributing to the household jobs and what you should give them. I'm really interested to hear what your children do and at what age. For comparison to my own children, mainly. I grew up having to do a lot for myself and I'm often stuck between wanting to pass on that same skill set but also allow them to have a easier upbringing than I did. Very hard to find the balance, don't you think?

Have fun!

Cool Stuff: Ideas on Zen Habits

Zen Habits is a blog I discovered a long time ago. I try not to visit there too often as I know I'll get stuck in a wormhole of content. There is so much good stuff in there. Also, it makes me feel frustrated with where my life is at and how amazing this guy's life seems. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

Anyhow, I stumbled across this article the other day and it's a 15 year old asking him for advice on what to do with her life. There are some interesting suggestions there - but I looked at them as interesting ideas I could share with my children. It's the middle of the holidays and they need something to do, just to get them through those boring hours between lunch time and dad coming home (haha). I voxer'ed a message to them to say "Do something that scares you" - or some such.

With a bit of imagination and forethought, I can think you could use this article to come up with some cool ideas and nurture some values that set up your children for a future where entrepreneurship is the norm.

What do you reckon?

Episode Thirty Five: Homework

Hey Team!

Part way through last year my middle boy started school. I still can't believe I have two kids who go to school. We're all getting old! School has been a friggin nightmare for us, I can't lie to you. My eldest boy has been let down by his school a few too many times to mention (probably best left for another post). It had made me incredibly apprehensive about my middle boy starting school, but we got there. Part of that was starting him at a totally different school to his older brother on the other side of town. I'm happy to report that so far it's been a success. 

His transition into school was made a bit difficult with his ear problems. He, unfortunately inherited my propensity for ear infections and had his first set of grommets when he was younger. Moving into school he was basically so deaf he wasn't picking up much of what his teacher was saying. Poor guy. After getting that sorted with more surgery, we played catch up with some of his learning at home. Part of this was re-learning letters and their sounds (letters sound pretty mangled with glue ear, unfortunately).

This was a simple process of making cards for each letter (capital letters on one side and lower case on the other). To start off with I held up each card and asked him what letter I was holding. If he got them right, they went into the correct pile. If he got them wrong they went into a 'to learn' pile. What I found was that the letters that sounded similar (F or S) needed a bit of reinforcement. So, each day for a week after work I held up the cards with the 'to learn' letters and quizzed him again. By the end of the week we were humming along nicely.

We practised the sounds of these letters which needed to be re-learnt (is that a word?!). This was a really simple and easy process. We were lucky that he had a foundation from which to start from and a familiarity with some letters. But really, little exercises can go a long way to reinforcing what happens at school. I'm not a huge homework fan - both as a parent and when I was a school kid - but I can certainly see the benefit in bringing what's happening at school to home life. Pointing out instances of letters, objects or phenomena they're learning about at school in your time together is an easy way to do this. It can't hurt, right?

Investing in your children's learning can seem like a bit of a drag - especially if you're like me and you want to spend your time with your children actually having fun and doing cool stuff. But, if you can show your children that learning doesn't have to be torture and you can reward some of that learning with praise and admiration - well, it's not so bad. You can do ten minutes a day here and there and then move on to the playfights on the trampoline. Deal? Deal!

Have fun!

Episode Thirty Three: Saturday Sports

Over the last few weeks we have been talking about sacrificing or putting our own experiences aside in order to give our children a full life. This is my own example of putting my money where my mouth is: Saturday Sports.

My Saturday Sports career goes something like this: I played two matches of J.A.B rugby and on my second match got tackled so hard by guys three times my size that I thought, "there has got to be a better way" and that better way was sleeping in on Saturday mornings instead. Fast forward twenty odd years and I've never looked back. My sporting ability extends to backyard/beach cricket in the summer, two square when the mood strikes me and rugby on the trampoline with my kids. True story.

I never grew up in a family that gets up early on Saturday mornings to freeze on some field to play footy or to support someone in our family who was risking frostbite and twisted ankles. When it became apparent that my middle boy was somewhat of a natural athlete my wife and I fretted over the day when he would be old enough for Saturday Sports. Neither of us are particularly athletic, nor fond of doing anything on Saturday mornings

As we all know, our children are sent here to teach us - and test us. My middle boy is no exception. He has dragged his brother and I outside for games of rugby, soccer, throws-and-catches and trampoline sessions more times than we would like. But, that is where he finds his joy. He is a natural at anything physical and while his older brother is some sort of reading savant, the middle boy enjoys having something over his bookworm brother. Natural sibling rivalry, I guess. Running around kicking footballs, throwing softballs and doing flips on the trampoline are his happy place.

It's all very well to write this and say "You know what? I manned up and I enrolled him in soccer this season and that makes me an awesome Dad!". The real truth is, I had to learn how to be a Saturday Sport parent. I've never had one to observe. How do they act? What do they say? How do they deal with disappointment (their child's and their own)? How do they tread that fine line between fair play and win-or-die? How do they deal with their children getting injured by a stray elbow? Chin up, mate or Come on, Ref!!!

Guess what? I don't know. But like all Dads, I'm learning on the job. I'm seeing first hand what my sacrifice is doing for him. He's learning team work, perseverance, commitment and most of all he's learning that his Dad is there for him, whether he's passionate about his pursuit or not.

Unfortunately, your children may not follow in your footsteps. They might not be interested in what you love. But whatever they become interested in, you'll be giving them the world if you put yourself aside and enable them. Whether it be sports on a Saturday, driving them to a Dungeons & Dragons tournament or some other fan dangle thing you don't get. Put yourself aside and put them first. You'll both get so much out of it, trust me.

Have fun!

Episode Thirty Two: Don't Hold Them Back

OK, confession time: I'm afraid of heights. 

To be honest, I have a fear of heights in retrospect. I can climb up a ladder and I've even sky dived. But, if I think back on the event my brain thinks about all the things that could have gone wrong and I freak out. You'd think my survival instinct would kick in before the fact - but no. As a kid I used to walk across the Claudelands Bridge in Hamilton and if I think back to the view looking down, my heart races.

I don't know how this fear originated, but I am determined not to pass it on to my children. I don't like pumpkin and I'm not the biggest fan of Hootie & The Blowfish but I don't want to limit my childrens experiences because of my own fears or tastes. That might be taking New Age Parenting to epic new levels, but I feel like it's important to let your children be their own people. 

Look, I know that there is only so much I can do in the scheme of things. As parents we can't save them from having the same hair colour as us or even the same temperament as us. But, despite some studies arguing the opposite, I think there is a possibility we can save them from our own fears and limitations. We all know what impact those fears have had on our lives and if there's any way we can spare our kids, then why not give it a go? 

I remember I went to Cubs camp with my son. There was a father with his son there and he wouldn't let his boy get involved in any of the activities. No bush walks, no Burma trails at night, no climbing massive bamboo towers. The son was rearing to go but the Dad just wouldn't allow it. What was quite obvious to us, the other parents, was that the Dad was just scared. Maybe he has a bamboo phobia? Maybe he has a fear of the bush. Together we deduced that he was probably sacred of letting is son go. It can be terrifying to let your children take risks. But sometimes, you just need to feel the fear and do it anyway. In the end, we encouraged the father to try things out himself and his son was there all the way, talking him through it- reassuring him. It was an amazing moment and definitely a lesson I took away from that weekend that I use quite often.

You don't have to do anything as extreme as getting up on the roof with you children like I did. But maybe there is a small step you can make? Is there something you are afraid of or dislike that is disadvantaging your children? Are you denying them the greatness that is Hootie & The Blowfish? Are you stopping them from playing sports because you were not an athletic-type growing up? I'm not saying you're damaging your children by any means. But maybe you are closing off a little bit of the world that they may, in fact, thrive in. I may have a gifted rock climber in my midst, but if I never allow them the chance to experience climbing and getting up on the roof like a bunch of crazy people, then how will I know?

I don't want to come across as preachy and, to level with you, I'll never ever be able to mask the fact that I can't stand pumpkin. But, like anything to do with our children, to help them be the best they can be takes sacrifice. If that means grabbing the bull by the horns and facing your fears then why not give it a crack? I'll leave it up to you to decide whether it's worth it. In the end I did two things I didn't feel comfortable doing: I got up on the roof but, even worse, I got up there with my children. I think about what could have happened if they fell off the roof and broke bones and if my daughter fell off the ladder - but, it didn't happen. And they had a great time and in the end we are all better off for it.

Next week we will continue on this theme of sacrificing for the sake of our children's development. See you then and have fun!

Episode Twenty Two: The Tasting Game

This is a game that I used to play with my sister when we were younger. I don't know how it started or what crazy book or magazine we read it in, but it was a huge hit. This is 'The Tasting Game'. 

It works like this: one person is blindfolded while the other people feed them different edible items. If the blindfolded person can guess what the food is, they get a point! We usually play four turns per person, so whoever guesses the most out of four is the winner. Easy.

On the face of it this game looks like a game of skill, a game of who has the best sense of taste - but it's not. It is a game about trust. It is a great team-building exercise for warring siblings, of which I have two.

If everyone takes part, then chances are you will be the one on the receiving end of whatever weird and wonderful food your family give you. If you give your little brother a teaspoon of Baking Soda, what might you receive in return? This game is Instant Karma in motion.

To keep things fair and enjoyable I usually try and steer things in a yum, yuck, yum, yum pattern. For four turns you have at least one gross food to taste and three nice ones. It keeps it fun and will reign in unruly brothers and sisters who just want to feed their siblings cocoa powder, salt and avocado.

At the moment in our house there is a lot of talking about treating others how you wish to be treated. A lot. So this game has been quite a helpful tool. What was interesting was our eldest boy who is struggling with treating his brother as an equal was terrified of playing this game. Maybe a weeks worth of bossing his brother around was going to come back to haunt him. With a bit of coaching we were about to keep the middle boy within the rules of the game - but it was a real awakening for both of them.

As I was instigating the foods to be tasted, I had to have a go. I was petrified but luckily Mum was there to save me from who knows what. I had sugar, a gross jam I usually refuse to eat, chocolate chips and an ice cube. Not so bad!

Have fun!

Cool Stuff: Why Is Money Money?

One of my favourite games when I was young was a New Zealand board game called Poleconomy. One of the best things about this game was the fact that it had $1,000,000 bills. As a kid, I always wondered why I couldn't just take those notes to the local Toy World and buy whatever I wanted.

The YouTube video below explains why the money we use holds value and why we can't buy things with a banana. Pretty cool.

Have fun!

Episode Eighteen: Harvesting Ginger Beer

Two weeks after we put the batch of ginger beer it was harvesting time! After about a week the boys were asking every day if it was time to try some so it was a great exercise in patience. I'm pretty happy to report that none of the bottles had exploded nor caps popped off. Success!

Facts first: The carbonation was perfect. A great amount of bubbles fizzing up after twisting the cap. However, a week or so after opening the first bottle, opening a new bottle became a fizzed out affair - almost like popping a champagne cork. Watch out for flying caps and froth.

One thing I found, and someone else mentioned this, the ginger flavour wasn't strong enough. I'm trying to figure out what I'd do differently next time. I think we may add two teaspoons of ground ginger each day feeding our bug, or maybe grate some ginger root into the mix? Any suggestions are welcome.

Our ginger beer was enjoyed with a hot batch of Sunday scones. All in all we were pretty proud of our handy work. Sharing in the spoils of our hard work and patience was a pretty cool moment and a really nice way to spend a Sunday.

I'm interested to see how everyone else got/gets on with their own batches of ginger beer. Again, if anyone else has any suggestions for getting a stronger ginger taste I'm interested to hear them.

Have fun!

Episode Sixteen: Sumo Wrestling!

For this idea you need one of your larger size t-shirts and two couch cushions. Pretty simple, really!

This idea was spotted on Pinterest and I decided my boys would love it. Here's how we got on.

Get your kids to put one of your t-shirts on, hopefully they are swimming in them. Then chuck a couch cushion underneath their shirt so they have a big Sumo belly. I wish there was more to it, but there really isn't.

To make things interesting, I made a Sumo ring using painters tape on the carpet. From all my time watching Sumo wrestling highlights on television as a kid; the first one to put a foot out of the ring or get knocked over loses. We made it two feet out of the ring.

Sometimes a bit of rough and tumble is just want the doctor ordered on a rainy day. As long as there are boundaries and the warriors know the rules, I don't see anything wrong with it. Our rules are: the head and face are out of bounds. No punching, unless that is part of the game (one of our sons is a future Mike Tyson). Also, the oldest boy has to let the middle boy win occasionally - this is usually done with a bit of a sly wink - otherwise what's the point? 

Learning each others strengths and limits can be a good thing. I didn't grow up with my older brother in the house as he was a lot older than me. So seeing these two boys scrap and bicker constantly has been a real eye opener for me. Luckily, with activities like this, they are able to get that aggression out in a controlled environment. Sure, we could separate them and discourage them from fighting and wrestling, but, as these photos will probably show you - they had a whale of a time.

Seriously, how fun does this look?

Have fun!

Episode Fifteen: Making Ginger Beer

When I was young my Aunty made ginger beer with my cousins and I was always jealous of the fact that they got to do that and that they got to reap the fruits of their labour. So, inspired by those exploding bottles, I decided to make my own ginger beer with my own children.

Using a recipe I found in a magazine we got to work: On the first day we started our bug using water, sugar, yeast and ground ginger. Then, every day we added to our bug. Each day for a week the boys took turns putting in the sugar and the ginger. It got to the point where first thing in the morning my youngest boy would wake me up by saying "Dad, we need to feed the bug!". It was exciting stuff.

After a week the bug was looking pretty settled and smelt like real ginger beer so it was time to create our brew. Using a large pot we poured in some water, a heap of sugar, some lemon juice, cream of tartar and our bug. Each of us took turns to add the ingredients. Even my baby girl got to stir the potion.

Once it was all mixed we filled out bottles. After a warning from Dee and a friendly caution from one of the contractors who was painting our house, we decided to use a mixture of glass and plastic bottles. Apparently the bottles are liable to explode so they were all put into a big black rubbish bag, tied up and put in the garden shed. Hopefully if the pressure gets too great and they do explode, the theory is that all of the mess will stay contained within the bag. Fingers crossed.

Although I wanted to rewrite my childhood and finally get my own experience of brewing ginger beer - there were also some great lessons for the kids in this activity. The slow process of feeding the bug can't be rushed so we learnt patience. We all took turns adding to the bug and adding the ingredients to the final mixture so we learnt about sharing the load. Finally, we will have some sweet homemade ginger beer to drink and to give away to our friends so we learn the value of hard work and patience.

We couldn't resist having a little sip to see how it tasted before we bottled it. We're currently on to our first week of fermenting with one more to go. Once it's time to do the taste test, I'll be sure to post the results. In the mean time, here is the recipe should you want to give it a crack:

Ginger Beer Recipe

Warm water
2 tsp yeast
2 tsp raw sugar
2 tsp ground ginger

This here is your bug. Fill a large jar (hipster points for Mason jars) three quarters full with warm water. Add the rest of the ingredients then cover loosely. Don't tighten the lid or who knows what will happen! Then, every day after that for a week add 1 tsp raw sugar and 1 tsp ground ginger. Once a week is up, you're set.

3 cups raw sugar
2 tsp cream of tartar
1L boiling water
5L cold water
2 lemons worth of juice

This is your mixture. In a large pot or bucket add the sugar and the cream of tartar then pour the boiling water in there (might be a good idea to do this yourself). Give that a bit of a stir so that all of the sugar is dissolved. Once you've done that, pour in the cold water and your bug (but DON'T add the sludgey stuff from the bottom). Give that a short stir then throw in your lemon juice. Give it a good stir and then pour into your bottles. They say to store your bottles in a cool, dark place. Apparently these bottles can explode from the awesomeness of ginger beer so make sure wherever you are storing it, you're not too attached to or it's at least cleanable. I just chucked ours in the shed to avoid all that hassle.

With your left over sludge you have two choices: chuck it out, or, start again. If you want to start again, fill the jar to the top with water then tip out half (or give to a friend to make their own!) then fill again to three quarters with warm water and away you go.

Have fun!

Episode Twelve: Share Their Hobby

Two weeks ago we talked about sharing your hobby with your children and how it gives them an insight into you as a person and what you do when the cats away. This week we are looking at sharing their hobby but with a totally different aim.

This week I got my children to share one of their interests with me. I had a bit of a head start with this idea because I already knew what hobby this would be and I knew that this idea would make their day. This week I learnt about a game called 'Minecraft'. A game that my two sons are absolutely obsessed with and that I have tried very hard to avoid.

Just a quick run down: Minecraft is a game my sons have on their iPods played in a world where you need to build structures, or dig holes, fight zombies and try not to get killed. It sounds like my worst nightmare but they love it. They know I'm not a huge gamer so I've managed to avoid playing it and avoid getting involved in any discussions about the finer details of the game. This has suited me. But, it also provided itself with the perfect Idea for Dads.

To begin with, I explained to them that I shared my hobby with one of them and that I would like them to share one of their hobbies with me. This got a lukewarm response. When I said, "I would like you to teach me about Minecraft", they went nuts. So that was that.

The aim is not really to become a Minecraft addict like them, but rather for them to share their passion with their Dad. There was a big focus on explaining the game, giving an overview, teaching me and then letting me have my own go. It turns out the game is a lot harder than I thought it was. I didn't enjoy it but I got a great deal of satisfaction from their teaching me.

I don't know how successful I was, but the aim behind this idea was to teach them how to teach other people; To teach them how to explain something to another person. I have started a new job and have had a lot of days where different people in the business have taught me things. I've noticed that some people are great teachers and some are not. I began to wonder whether this is a natural occurrence or whether it comes with experience. So, why not start that experience early?

While my sons were explaining the game, I gave them prompts, things they could tell me. I asked them the right questions to move the conversation along. At the end of it I learnt a lot and they really revelled in the idea that they were experts and could teach their Dad a thing or two.

If your children aren't game-obsessed you could ask them to explain their favourite TV program. Or get them to tell you about their favourite toy. Or even get them to show you around their kindergarten. The possibilities are endless. The aim remains the same: Teach them to share their knowledge and their wisdom and who knows what you're setting up to do in later life.

Have fun!

Episode Ten: Share Your Hobby

Whether it's fly fishing, portrait painting or stamp collecting most Dads have hobbies that often get attention on their days off or at the end of a long day. Some times these are the things that keep us sane, that little part of our life that gives us a break from being a Dad, an employee, a boyfriend or husband.

What if you were to share that hobby and let your children understand what you do when you're away from it all?

One of my hobbies is making music using samples off records. It's something I started doing well before I was a Dad. My equipment and creative space is well away from little fingers and so, it's almost off limits. I decided to change that for an afternoon.

I tried this as a one-on-one idea with my middle son and brought all the equipment out on to the kitchen table. I gave him and overview of what it was I do and showed him the end product. Then, I explained the individual steps I took to get that finished product.

We chose a record off the record shelf, listened to the record for a part we liked and then recorded it into the sampler. From there we put some drum sounds on top. After a bit of finishing touches, we had our finished product, a beat that he decided to call 'Otto'.

Often we will share our interests and get our children involved in the things we like doing. But these are usually things that we think will benefit them: bush walking, cricket etc. This is fantastic. It gives you the chance to teach your children skills that they can use in the real world. The difference between this idea and those types of activities is that this is a little bit of yourself that you're sharing with your children.

It doesn't mean it's no longer your 'thing', like me, you can still move all the equipment back in to your hideaway. It's just a chance to share a little bit of what makes your tick and give them an understanding of what it is you do once they go to sleep.

If you do do this idea, I'm really interested to see what it is your hobby is and how you shared it with your children so please leave a comment. Also, next week, we're going to reverse it: we're going to encourage our children to share their idea with us.

Have fun!

Bonus: