Episode Twenty Three: Be Their Biggest Fan

I feel like I'm back in the swing of things now - I had a couple of weeks off from the site. I jumped head-first into this project and although it's been a great journey so far, sometimes it feels like my parenting is for the purpose and benefit of the blog. What I really want is for the blog to benefit from the parenting I already do. Does that make sense? So for those two weeks I parented for my children and not the audience I have through this site. Thank you for sticking with me and supporting Ideas For Dads. It's been a very cool journey for my children and myself so far.

The other night my middle boy had a fundraiser for his kindergarten - a bike-a-thon! The idea was that the kids biked around a track at one of the local schools and got sponsorship for their efforts. We filled up the form with sponsors and pledges and the excitement grew throughout the week. It's hard work being the middle child, I imagine. This felt like it was an event that was finally all his. Not a big brother's Cubs camp, not a little sister's first birthday but his very own event where the sole focus was on him.

After work on a cloudy, breezy day we rolled up to the school field with the rest of the bikers, families and support crew and got ourselves sorted. Before coming home from work I made up a few signs of encouragement to surprise him. The grandparents came along and joined us in cheering him on. There was no stopping him! He took off around the track before the event started and clocked his first lap. From there on in he was like a bat out of hell peddling around the track. 

The whole way around the track he had his head down, focused on the task. His concentration was absolute. I tried to get him to have a rest but he wouldn't have a bar of it. He was determined to get in those laps and earn the money for his kindergarten. It was an incredible thing to watch. However, as he passed his station of supporters he beamed from ear-to-ear. We would yell and clap our hands while he would smile and almost laugh but keep on peddling. He ended up doing seven laps!

Being a Dad, being a caregiver of any kind takes a lot of cheer-leading. Sometimes it's building your child up before they go out the door to face another day of school they don't enjoy. Sometimes it's convincing them they can do that really scary thing they have told themselves they couldn't possibly do. Other times it's very literal like what we did with my middle boy - or going to a school assembly and yelling and cheering while they receive a certificate. Who doesn't want to hear the roar of the crowd as they accomplish something? It's an amazing experience. That is a gift that really goes both ways: To see your children achieve something remarkable is a powerful experience. Just like them having you there watching it - witnessing their skill, their strengths is priceless.

Over the last two weeks I took off I really looked at the aim of this project. I know what I'm offering to you, the reader. I know what I'm hoping to add to other Dad's lives - that's pretty much spelt out very clearly now. The question I faced was what did I want my own children to get out of this website? If you get right down to it, all I want to give my children are great memories: I want to do things with them that they might not recall exactly as they get older but they can know with certainty that I was there, I was 100% in the moment with them and I showed them that they can do anything.

Being their biggest fan is one of the best ways you can do all of those things.

Have fun!

(Also, I would like to thank my wife for taking such awesome photos which have made the the last twenty three ideas look incredible. Thank you!)

Episode Nineteen: Take Their Cue

One rainy Saturday morning I asked my youngest son what he thought would be a good Idea For Dad. I was taken aback when he suggested washing the car! I'm not making this up.

As it was a rainy day there was no way we were going to get outside to wash the car so we ended up doing something else instead. But his suggestion of washing the car kept coming up. Finally, a sunny Saturday morning rolled around and he got his wish. We washed the car together, just him and I.

So what's the deal here? We have covered 18 great ideas so far and most of them have been parent-driven. You are directing the activity and leading the charge. You come up with the great ideas and your children love the new and exciting things you are doing with them. But sometimes it's OK to hand over the reins to the kids. What do they want to do? What would they do if they could choose anything in the world. Don't be surprised if they ask for a repeat of an idea you've already done. I can't guarantee they will ask to wash the car like my youngest boy but you never know.

My boys often want to wrestle but the timing is never great. Sometimes I've had a long day and am not in the mood at all. Sometimes I've gone to the gym on the way home from work and am feeling particularly sore. Or sometimes their little sister is demanding all of my attention - that happens a lot. You may find there is something that your children ask to do but the timing is never right or it's just not possible. Why not set some time aside to make it possible? Ask them what they feel like doing, take your cue from them. If they struggle to think of something, remind them of that one activity they always nag you about and suggest that to them. 

Letting your children  take charge and set the rules is a great thing to do for them. Not only are you granting them the chance to set the agenda, you're sharing the duties. You're giving them a chance to use their noggin. What is the wildest and craziest idea they can come up with? You're exercising their imagination. You are saying to them, "OK, your ideas have merit. I will listen to and value your suggestions". How often when they have friends over have you said, "Now it's Emily's turn to chose the game". Bingo, same theory here.

Just as an aside, I tried to figure out what is appealing about washing the car. There are two factors in play here: One) My son has always been the type to muck in. If we're doing yard work he'll roll up his sleeves and dig holes, spread fertiliser and hammer nails. He has always been this way and I really think he gets a lot of joy out of helping people out with their chores. Helping Dad with the car seemed to bring a big smile to his dial. Two) It was a great one-on-one activity. Something that only the two of us did. Not entirely by design: My eldest boy was inside reading books and wouldn't even consider coming outside to help us. That isn't a criticism of him, it's more an illustration of how different these two boys are. It is what it is.

My youngest son really enjoys doing jobs with just the two of us. I'm trying hard to think of what other tasks I've been putting off around the house that I can turn into an idea for him. One can dream.

Have fun!

Dadism: Being Interested

Sometimes inspiration comes from interesting places. This is Pio Terei talking to Mike King, two great New Zealand comedians.

Pio's story about talking with his son is a great, great example of being interested in what our children have to say and what they do. There will be an idea expanding on this in the near future.

In the mean time, enjoy the video:

Dadism: Being A Dad

I had a job interview a few months ago and one of the last questions they asked me was, "What are you most proud of?". My brain didn't even think and I said, "Being a Dad". I took myself by surprise and expanded on the answer.

Being a Dad is a hard thing to do. I've only been doing it for eight years but for the last thirty-odd years I've had a pretty strong idea of how I was going to approach it. What I would do, what I wouldn't do. Cues from my own Dad and father figures in my life. What did they do that I enjoyed? What did they teach me? But most importantly: What did I learn from them?

 

I grew up without a Dad in the house. I was five when my parents divorced and although I got to see him every second school holiday, my Dad wasn't there for the day to day things. My Mother was and she did the best she could raising me.

The way I look at it is this: Any man can be a Father; any man can have a child. Not every man can be a Dad. Being a great Dad is a never-ending journey. Being a Dad means doing a lot of things. It varies from house to house. It might mean taking out the rubbish, teaching your kids to ride their bikes, washing the car. It might not.

On those school holidays with my own Dad, being a Dad meant catching fish. It meant walking through 11 acres of bush looking for the night's bonfire wood. It meant drawing pictures and making up songs about our day. My Dad could build houses, fix cars and chop down trees - but he never showed me how. Instead he showed me how to be creative, what to listen for in music, how to be a gentle man. I used to come home to my every day life and wonder why my Dad didn't show me how to hammer a nail or fix a bike puncture. Now that I look back on it, I realise it's because there are more important things a Dad does: He was showing me how to be.

To be a Dad is to be present. To have the role and own it. To not shy away from that responsibility and to take on the challenge of parenthood. It means getting down on the floor and engaging with your children. It means to just... be.

 

This blog shares a lot of ideas for things to do with your children. Mothers, grandparents, aunties, uncles, teachers and other caregivers are welcome to use the ideas. It's not the ideas that are important. Investing time and energy into our tamariki, our children is the big lesson here. Yes, you will find out how to make a marble run with your kids, but that's not the point. The point is doing things with your children.


Ultimately, being a Dad is something to be proud of. Sometimes it's hard; you're at your wits end. Other times it's so easy you feel like a natural. Either way, the more you put in the more you will get out of it. Cliches are cliches for a reason: because most often they are true. If you make your children your world, they will go out and conquer the world.

So please join me as I try out ideas with my children all while trying my hardest to be a Dad.

Have fun!

Episode Three: Activity Cards

This is a really easy and effective way to spend time with your children. If you’re like me, you get home from work, the baby is shoved in your arms and from then on until the children’s bed time you’re in constant demand. You end up like with a chook with no head and spread yourself too thin. It makes it hard to spend time focused on your kids - but I’ve found a solution that seems to work: Activity Cards.

On a Sunday, with your children, make five cards or scraps of paper. On these cards you’ll write one activity that can be done after dinner and before bed time each week night. Each activity has a time limit of 30 mins. It sounds like such a simple idea but it really is a great way of letting your children direct your time. One of my boys can write so I give him two cards to write his two ideas on. My middle boy isn’t writing yet so I ask him what activity he wants written on the two cards. Everything has to be fair in my house with two competitive boys so I take the fifth card. I’m sure you’ll find a democratic way to divvy up the cards at your house.

 

I’m always amazed by the simplicity of the ideas the children come up with, and I hope you will too. Instead of elaborate games and expensive activities, you’ll probably find they want to do things that just involve being with you. “Draw with me”, “Play Lego with me”, “Watch a DVD with me”. These are all simple and easy things to do and they were all suggested by my boys. Looking at each of them I realised that it’s not about what you do, it’s about the time you spend with them. 

The next step is to put all of the cards into a hat or a jar and mix them up. Each night after dinner and after all the chores have been done, get the jar out and get them to pick out one card at random. For the next 30 minutes you’ll be doing whatever is on the card with all of your children. Once a card has been used, take it out of rotation. Over five nights you’ll have done every one of the ideas, spent time with your children and hopefully feel like you’ve made the most out of a little bit of time.

Don’t be surprised if the 30 minutes turns into an hour as you’ll find doing the things they love to do is lots of fun. The cards can be reused the next week, or you may want to come up with new ideas the next Sunday. If you do it often enough, you’ll notice the suggestions will become more elaborate or demanding. That’s fine, it’s up to you to decide whether that idea goes into the jar or not. 

 

The two take aways from this ideas are 1) You don’t need to put together a big production to spend time with your children. We try and make up for the time we don’t spend by overplaying our hand when we do end up playing with our kids. Children don’t want a big day out with all the trappings once in a while. They want regular, quality time with their parents. It only takes a little amount of time to make a big difference. 2) focus 100% on the activity. Don’t let distractions interrupt your time - no cell phone, no pressing appointments, nothing. It’s hard, but your children will notice your full focus and thrive on it.

It’s a simple idea but it’s one that should make everyone happy. Just don’t get tempted to write “do the dishes” on one of the cards.

Have fun!