Episode Thirty Four: Be Human

Hey team, long time no see!

I haven't written for a while because I've had a crazy Winter. We've had stomach bugs, the flu, floods, rats in the ceiling, glue ear and everything in between. All in all, I've been living a very human life and this is what I want to talk to you about.

 A few months back I wrote about how my plan was to go from a 'How To' blog to a documentation of what I've been doing with my children. I was hoping to inspire you along the way. Unfortunately over the last few months it's felt like I've just been keeping my head above water. My baby girl hasn't been sleeping at night and either my wife and I end up sleeping in her bed or she with us. My youngest boy needs his second lot of grommets, has just started school and can't hear a thing. My oldest boy is struggling at school and not getting the support he needs. My wife and I are exhausted and so we haven't done many amazing things with our children. I barely have time to jump on the trampoline after work or play Lego before dinner. That's about the extent of what I've done with them. It's not that I've been neglecting them, I just haven't done anything Instagrammable, blog-worthy or pinnable. What I'm really trying to say to you, is that I've just been human. I'm no superhero. I'm no Father of the Year. I'm just a busy Dad trying to do the best he can. Sometimes that's all we can do. And guess what? That's OK.

What I've been trying to practise in between the book reading and the swing-pushing with my children is being real around them. I've talked to them about my feelings, my struggles, my guilt and my worries. Not to scare them or to upset them, but to show them that I'm human. I always tell people that my own relationship with my Dad started off with me thinking he was Superman, growing up to be a teenager and realising he was just a human, the becoming a parent myself and finding he was super human. I think there is danger in portraying ourselves as infallible and indestructible to our children.

I like to think that I'm raising healthy children by painting a realistic picture about what it means to be a Dad - and a large part of that puzzle is just being a human trying to find your way. I often tell my oldest son that I don't exactly know what I'm doing. I tell him that he reaches the milestones first and thus he is the testing ground for my parenting. Sometimes I will make a decision or discipline him and a day later come back and change my mind or apologise. I explain to him that I'm learning as I go along and I make mistakes. It's important to me that he knows that I'm in control of his parenting and that no matter what: all my decisions and actions come from a place of love and growth. But it's also important for me to show him that I'm just a guy who had kids. Nothing more, nothing less.

I think that sometimes we put up a facade when we're dealing with our children that gives them a false sense of who we are. This can extend to the people in our lives: our work colleagues, our wives, our family. Sometimes it can really ease the stress and the expectations that we put on ourselves (or rid the expectations we think people hold of us) by showing the people around us that we're just human and there's nothing wrong with that.

Have fun!

Episode Thirty Two: Don't Hold Them Back

OK, confession time: I'm afraid of heights. 

To be honest, I have a fear of heights in retrospect. I can climb up a ladder and I've even sky dived. But, if I think back on the event my brain thinks about all the things that could have gone wrong and I freak out. You'd think my survival instinct would kick in before the fact - but no. As a kid I used to walk across the Claudelands Bridge in Hamilton and if I think back to the view looking down, my heart races.

I don't know how this fear originated, but I am determined not to pass it on to my children. I don't like pumpkin and I'm not the biggest fan of Hootie & The Blowfish but I don't want to limit my childrens experiences because of my own fears or tastes. That might be taking New Age Parenting to epic new levels, but I feel like it's important to let your children be their own people. 

Look, I know that there is only so much I can do in the scheme of things. As parents we can't save them from having the same hair colour as us or even the same temperament as us. But, despite some studies arguing the opposite, I think there is a possibility we can save them from our own fears and limitations. We all know what impact those fears have had on our lives and if there's any way we can spare our kids, then why not give it a go? 

I remember I went to Cubs camp with my son. There was a father with his son there and he wouldn't let his boy get involved in any of the activities. No bush walks, no Burma trails at night, no climbing massive bamboo towers. The son was rearing to go but the Dad just wouldn't allow it. What was quite obvious to us, the other parents, was that the Dad was just scared. Maybe he has a bamboo phobia? Maybe he has a fear of the bush. Together we deduced that he was probably sacred of letting is son go. It can be terrifying to let your children take risks. But sometimes, you just need to feel the fear and do it anyway. In the end, we encouraged the father to try things out himself and his son was there all the way, talking him through it- reassuring him. It was an amazing moment and definitely a lesson I took away from that weekend that I use quite often.

You don't have to do anything as extreme as getting up on the roof with you children like I did. But maybe there is a small step you can make? Is there something you are afraid of or dislike that is disadvantaging your children? Are you denying them the greatness that is Hootie & The Blowfish? Are you stopping them from playing sports because you were not an athletic-type growing up? I'm not saying you're damaging your children by any means. But maybe you are closing off a little bit of the world that they may, in fact, thrive in. I may have a gifted rock climber in my midst, but if I never allow them the chance to experience climbing and getting up on the roof like a bunch of crazy people, then how will I know?

I don't want to come across as preachy and, to level with you, I'll never ever be able to mask the fact that I can't stand pumpkin. But, like anything to do with our children, to help them be the best they can be takes sacrifice. If that means grabbing the bull by the horns and facing your fears then why not give it a crack? I'll leave it up to you to decide whether it's worth it. In the end I did two things I didn't feel comfortable doing: I got up on the roof but, even worse, I got up there with my children. I think about what could have happened if they fell off the roof and broke bones and if my daughter fell off the ladder - but, it didn't happen. And they had a great time and in the end we are all better off for it.

Next week we will continue on this theme of sacrificing for the sake of our children's development. See you then and have fun!

Dadism: What Can I Do With My Baby?

Babies are hard work. If you've only had one or only having one I guess I should say right now, it gets better. Not only the sleepless nights, the teething and your house turning into a war-zone but the frustration that, as a Dad, there isn't a whole lot you can do for these little creatures at the beginning. Babies need their Mothers and for the first few weeks you'll merely be someone who walks up and down the hallway with them trying to get them to sleep.

But slowly they will develop and all of a sudden they notice you're there. It's pretty awesome. You'll get a smile and a bit of interaction and all of a sudden the fun begins.

It's often frustrating when they are so young because you can't take them fly-fishing or teach them how to use a chainsaw, so some of your skills might be lost on them. When they are at this stage it's hard to know what you should be doing with them. How do you entertain them? How can you build a relationship with these little creatures?

The number one thing I have found is: talking to them works wonders. Sit in front of them, or hold them and talk to your baby. Not only are you getting them used to your voice, you're getting them used to your presence. Provided you're not doing your best Pinhead impression, they will start to associate your voice (and face) with security. If Dad is there talking to me, I know things will be alright. It's pretty simple stuff.

Once they get older and start to sit upright and hold on to things, they aren't quite at the teaching them your golf swing stage, but they're certainly a lot more interactive than those first few months. This is a cool time. This is when you can do things like passing them objects and saying 'ta'. This is the most basic game but you could do this all day and your baby will love it. Babies love repetition.

I find once you get to about 10-11 months you can start doing things like sitting them on your knee and holding them under the armpits and pretending they are slipping off your knee and then 'rescuing' them back on to your knee. I don't know why, but all my children have found this to be hilarious. Or pretending to drop them but actually having a firm grip on them. With the right voice and mock surprise, they love it. I imagine as well as being a pretty entertaining game, you're teaching them to trust you. If Dad is holding on to me, he'll protect me and stop me from falling. I have no doubt that this lesson carries on to later life.

Needless to say, please be careful with your baby. Writing about pretending to drop your baby is probably courting controversy but I trust that you are sensible enough to know what is right and what will cause brain damage.

The take away lesson from all of this is that having a presence is the best thing you can do with your baby. Talk to them, smile at them, sing to them, hold them and dance with them. Act the fool and laugh with them. It all adds up to them hearing your voice, seeing your face, smelling your smell and learning that Dad is fun and safe and makes me feel happy.

Many Dads are at a loss with what to do with their baby. The truth is, the cool things like playing pinball with them or staying up to watch the All Blacks doesn't happen for quite a few years. So lay those foundations and get in while their brains are soaking up all this new information. Make sure they associate Dad with fun times and you'll be away laughing.

Have fun!

Dadism: Being Interested

Sometimes inspiration comes from interesting places. This is Pio Terei talking to Mike King, two great New Zealand comedians.

Pio's story about talking with his son is a great, great example of being interested in what our children have to say and what they do. There will be an idea expanding on this in the near future.

In the mean time, enjoy the video:

Dadism: Rules vs Values

Rules were made to be broken.

In our household at the moment we have a challenging eight year old boy who has us at our wits end. I don't mean a rolling our eyes, "boys will be boys" wits end. I mean real deal frustration. My eldest boy has a very quick but wandering mind. We go from being flabbergasted by his ability to recite facts and dates he read in a book two weeks ago and then equally astonished that every single day we need to remind him to do things like bring his shoes home from school.

 

Reading that last sentence doesn't make it seem such a big deal: Eight year old boys are notorious for being forgetful, having their mind 'somewhere else' and generally being the most frustrating creatures on Earth (will have to re-read this when I have teenagers). The thing is, my wife and I have to remind him to do the same things every single day. This has been going on for three years. I've gone full circle from being absolutely livid I have to have the same conversation each day about respecting his stuff, to just letting it go, to going back to feeling like tearing what hair I have left out.

It's got me thinking about what is really important. If I have to tell my son to bring his shoes home every single day what do I really care about? The shoes? Having the same conversation over and over again? The answer is always no. Shoes aren't cheap but they're replaceable. I'd rather not buy a new pair every week, but hey, such is parenthood.

Nope, the real lesson for him and for me is Rules vs Values. The rule is that you bring your shoes home. The value is that we respect our belongings. When I dig deep down to my frustration I keep coming back to the same mantra: Rules were made to be broken. Kids break rules. Kids test the boundaries. Kids forget things and need to be told over and over again. But, in my heart, what absolutely cannot be ignored are values.

Respect for others, respect your elders, look after your belongings, treat people how you want to be treated. All first day stuff really. It's what matters to me. It's what I want my children to carry with them throughout their life. I want them to know that those values are the cornerstone of what our family is about.

Rules? I can't get angry that you put an empty carton of milk back in the fridge because, hey, I do the same thing sometimes. But hitting your brother for accidentally stepping on your car you made out of Lego. That doesn't line up with our values.

At the end of the day what is really important? What can I let myself run around in circles about? What do I want to spend what little time I have with my boy enforcing? Rules or values? That's what I'm going to be working on this forthcoming week. As a sticker on my Aunty's fridge said, "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing". Amene.


The Larsen Family Values

• Care for other people
  
• Honesty
  
• Respect for our belongings
  
• Putting other people before ourselves
  
• Do things to the best of our ability
  
• Respect our elders

Dadism: Being A Dad

I had a job interview a few months ago and one of the last questions they asked me was, "What are you most proud of?". My brain didn't even think and I said, "Being a Dad". I took myself by surprise and expanded on the answer.

Being a Dad is a hard thing to do. I've only been doing it for eight years but for the last thirty-odd years I've had a pretty strong idea of how I was going to approach it. What I would do, what I wouldn't do. Cues from my own Dad and father figures in my life. What did they do that I enjoyed? What did they teach me? But most importantly: What did I learn from them?

 

I grew up without a Dad in the house. I was five when my parents divorced and although I got to see him every second school holiday, my Dad wasn't there for the day to day things. My Mother was and she did the best she could raising me.

The way I look at it is this: Any man can be a Father; any man can have a child. Not every man can be a Dad. Being a great Dad is a never-ending journey. Being a Dad means doing a lot of things. It varies from house to house. It might mean taking out the rubbish, teaching your kids to ride their bikes, washing the car. It might not.

On those school holidays with my own Dad, being a Dad meant catching fish. It meant walking through 11 acres of bush looking for the night's bonfire wood. It meant drawing pictures and making up songs about our day. My Dad could build houses, fix cars and chop down trees - but he never showed me how. Instead he showed me how to be creative, what to listen for in music, how to be a gentle man. I used to come home to my every day life and wonder why my Dad didn't show me how to hammer a nail or fix a bike puncture. Now that I look back on it, I realise it's because there are more important things a Dad does: He was showing me how to be.

To be a Dad is to be present. To have the role and own it. To not shy away from that responsibility and to take on the challenge of parenthood. It means getting down on the floor and engaging with your children. It means to just... be.

 

This blog shares a lot of ideas for things to do with your children. Mothers, grandparents, aunties, uncles, teachers and other caregivers are welcome to use the ideas. It's not the ideas that are important. Investing time and energy into our tamariki, our children is the big lesson here. Yes, you will find out how to make a marble run with your kids, but that's not the point. The point is doing things with your children.


Ultimately, being a Dad is something to be proud of. Sometimes it's hard; you're at your wits end. Other times it's so easy you feel like a natural. Either way, the more you put in the more you will get out of it. Cliches are cliches for a reason: because most often they are true. If you make your children your world, they will go out and conquer the world.

So please join me as I try out ideas with my children all while trying my hardest to be a Dad.

Have fun!